Men have a lot of shame around porn and yet, with the odd exception of a few men, most males participate. Maybe we can lay part of the blame with Madison Avenue with its lightly clad models and suggestive advertising? The fact is sex has been made into a consumerable premium in this culture. All of us, men and women alike, have been fed lies about sex since we have been old enough to find it interesting.

The reality of sexuality is much different than the fantasy world we all want to live in and we all feel shame for not measuring up.

Many men’s fantasy is what happens during that first six weeks or months, or. . . if he’s really lucky, the entire first year of a relationship when both people can’t get enough of one another. Wild, uninhibited, experimental sex holds a special place in a man’s heart. Deep conversations and looking into her eyes to understand her core takes a distant second in his thoughts.

After the first year or two, the romantic, lustful relationship falls into the reality of what mature relationship looks like and a man secretly longs for that wildness that no longer exists in his marriage. Sure, it can spark up once in a while, but as time goes by the awkwardness of sex between a man and a woman becomes more and more apparent. It takes a highly matured man to recognize this and accept the fact that he must find other avenues of connection with his woman.

A man turns to porn because the wildness still exists there, even if it is in his visual fantasies. Can it become an addiction, of course, but it continues to be driven underground by her rage that his obsession is not necessary and her hurt feelings that he’s directing his sexual energy away from her.

Just like a woman, a man needs to have his private life honored, whatever that looks like. I know it’s hard to understand, but if you’re looking for a man who does not flinch every time you speak crossly, one who trusts you as much as you want to trust him, then you must come to terms with this and other male issues. Find a way to speak openly about it without hostility, before you discover that magazine hidden in his closet with photos you would rather not look at.

Nik C. Colyer is a novelist dedicated to speaking about issues that might heal the long-standing rift between the sexes. His debut novel series “Channeling Biker Bob” is a tasty adventure, mixing misplaced manhood, marriage on the rocks, and motorcycles over easy.